Barbie’s Dream House and the Secret Garden

Stepping out onto my own and being alone is something I have experienced many times before. I remember going to horse camp, studying overseas, moving into my first apartment, and now I am adding a new ‘kind’ of alone to my resume. This is welcomed warmly, knowing that being alone expands the realm of possibilities for self-discovery and improvement. Having never doubted the power of ‘solitude’ and the riches to be embraced, I think of it as starting your own secret garden that can satisfy you aesthetically, feed your appetite, and offer you a haven to stop and smell the roses in between trips in and out of the Eden gates.

I keep in mind that being alone is not a negative predicament, nor a punishment or condemnation; however, I understand why so many people fear it. Many people play with the lexical interchanging ‘alone’ with ‘lonely’, thus eliciting ‘abandonment’ and ‘expulsion’. This is something we acquire at an early age; growing up going to your room and sitting alone was a punishment; receiving multiple birthday party invitations meant you were accepted and popular; and no one likes to be the last one chosen for dodge ball. [Song lyrics one: “One is the loneliest number that you’ll ever see…”] Why? How do we know four or seven isn’t actually lonely? Myself, as a little girl, I remember playing the card game Old Maid, where the object of the game was to not be left with the lonely, sad and pathetic, old maid; what a message to young girls! I was tube fed as other girls, story book/fairytales all consisting of a princess/orphan/secretly-a-princess-but-thinks-she-is-an-orphan characters who get rescued by a prince/knight in shinning armor on a white horse/prince-that-rides-a-white-horse-but-does-not-go-into-battle, and then live happily ever after.

So many mothers with daughters are blind to this trend in children’s literature. They are too pre-occupied with them playing with Barbie because of her “whore-like” influence. I beg to differ, in Barbie’s defense, she is iconic, free-spirited, and the woman who can do everything—including, but not limited to—being a doctor, a chef, a veterinarian, an astronaut, even a soccer player—who cares if she has a lot of shoes. Barbie may seem materialistic, but I would almost argue it is instinctual for females to like shoes! From a feminist perspective, Barbie never really needed a man to take care of her. I personally never even wanted a Ken doll, but subsequently received one for Christmas one year, because my Grandma said it was ‘strange’ that my Malibu Barbie and Holiday Barbie were shacking up together in the Barbie Dream House. To the haters, I also feel compelled to add the fact that I never felt like I was supposed to have a 42-inch chest in proportion to an 18-inch waist—and never developed an eating disorder. All in all, I think she is a harmless piece of plastic that is fun to dress up and dye her hair pink…

Growing up thinking you’ll be saved by a knight in shinning armor (or in my case a Venture Capitalist in a shinning Aston Martin) creates a bubble of romantic illusions. Even adult literature and entertainment depicts being alone as a negative thing, and in turn most songs and films include themes of love with another individual. [Song lyrics two: “What’s love got to do with it, do with it?”] Our species is one that is evolutionally wired to bond with another individual. It is why we experience hormones (oxytocin, serotonin, monoamine, neurotransmitters, norepinephrine, dopamine) in our limbic systems. There are two stages in relationships: attraction and attachment. The hormones caused by ‘attraction’ (lust/limerance) create a platform for courtship, and from an evolutionist’s point of view, it is in hopes of reproduction, post-sexual maturation. After the initial attraction sets in, there is an appraisal of the potential mate, and then calculation through self-interest. George Bernard Shaw said, “Love consists of overestimating the difference between one woman and another.” The second stage being attachment provides feelings of stability, safety and protection, and again from an evolutionist’s point of view it is in hopes of pair-bonding and nesting.

I think there is also a sub-stage of detachment; the opportunity to be attracted to one another long enough to have sex (and possibly reproduce copying their genetic codes), and then move on to collect a constellation of mating partners with the mere goal of reproductive success and offspring. Interestingly enough the average marriage before divorce lasts four years—just enough time to raise an offspring, thus potentially re-marry and produce more offspring. As hominids we are programmed to biologically be attracted to another and want to feel attached, but does that mean love equates to sex? Some argue love is just a form of self-delusion derived from the media used to persuade lovers that sexual desires are transcendent and a product of fate. It is as if we are unconscious love puppets stringed up by of evolutionary puppet masters propelling our behaviors forward.

It is indeed not my goal to belittle love and relationships; after a series of recent events I firmly believe in strong, instant connections, and find that it can be an extraordinarily, beautiful thing. Besides being able to fart in front of each other or wake up in the arms of someone coiled around you – it is a progressive project with fringe benefits physically, emotionally and mentally. Instead of using a relationship as a filler (verses being alone) I would like to think of a relationship with someone as an avenue to a higher level of being. Plato said, “Love is a plateau in the soul’s impassioned pursuit of the ideal good.”

In our society it is so easy to escape yourself – and perhaps that is what relationships and falling in love are – an escape. Many of us are overworked, lost in society, all but latched on by our social security numbers. Many of us retreat to bad relationships desperate to never be alone, and frankly, I do not know many people who have really been alone… Over-indulgence in romance and fairytales, and extreme efforts to always be in a relationship can be a dangerous, slippery slope. It can take responsibility off of one’s back and replace it with comfort and security, never allowing one to really know oneself. Is our childhood, culture and media, and evolutionary forces sufficient in explaining why we fear being alone? Are we truly better off in a relationship than on our own? I see it as a two tiered system; the people in your life can be very real, but real life is you… Hegel’s once said, “[in love] consciousness of a separate self disappears, and all distinction between the lovers is annulled.” We all need physical contact, mentors, supporters, friends and lovers. (Song lyrics three: “All you need is love.”)

I do hope to discover, improve—perhaps experience love, and ultimately continue my journey with seeds and hoe.